Glimpses of Light in the Darkness

Episode 6: Glimpses of Light in the Darkness

When a child is diagnosed with a serious illness, families are faced with emotions, daily changes, and the challenge of finding light in the midst of darkness. In this episode, subject matter expert Erica Sirrine talks with Shane and Ashley Timmons about their daughter Ophie’s journey with a brain tumor and the realities of caregiving through uncertainty.

Shane and Ashley share what it was like to navigate the early days of diagnosis, the ongoing medical complexities, and the daily process of holding both grief and hope. They discuss how their family learned to recognize and celebrate small victories, the importance of community support, and the intentional steps they take to seek out moments of joy—even on the hardest days. Erica offers insights into coping with loss, balancing family and sibling needs, and finding light through connection and vulnerability.  

A special thank you to our host and expert, Erica Sirrine, director of Social Work at St. Jude, and to our guests, parents Shane and Ashley Timmons. 

This episode was recorded September 23, 2025.  

Learn more about Ophie’s diagnosis of anaplastic PFA ependymoma on St. Jude Care & Treatment and Together by St. Jude™. 

Learn more about Avastin^®, feeding tubes, and radiation therapy on Together by St. Jude™. 

Episode Transcript

Narrator (00:02)
A child's diagnosis of cancer or another serious disease is difficult. Families, guardians, and loved ones experience a range of emotions and often need support related to their child's diagnosis and treatment. St. Jude Children's Research Hospital brings you Caregiver SHARE, a St. Jude podcast. Share stands for support, honor, advise, reflect, encourage. In this series, you'll hear stories and insights directly from the experiences of St. Jude families and care providers.

Erica Sirrine (00:37)
Hi everyone, I'm Erica Sirrine and I serve as the Director of Social Work at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. I am so honored to be hosting this very important episode of Caregivers SHARE today. You know, on the most difficult and arduous days of a child's illness, it can feel unimaginable. A lot of times… even impossible for caregivers to consider experiencing moments of hope and joy and light again.

And so as we were considering this episode, I knew immediately that the Timmons family would have something really special to share with all of us about how to intentionally seek these small glimpses of light amid the darkness. I've had the privilege of walking alongside Shane and Ashley when their daughter Ophelia was receiving treatment. And I'm so grateful that you both are here with me today.

One of the really neat things to me is that throughout Ophie's treatment, many moments during her treatment, and even still as we've interacted over the past couple of days, I have witnessed each of you courageously acknowledge the changes and the losses and the grief that you've experienced since Ophie's diagnosis, while also holding space to invite moments of lightness and love and hope and even laughter into your lives. And so it really is an honor for me to talk to you both today. And I'm excited for our audience to get to know you as well. So Shane and Ashley, can you just introduce yourselves to us and tell us a little bit about Ophie and her journey?

Shane Timmons (02:12)
My name is Shane Timmons. I'm Ophie and Georgia's dad. That's usually how I introduce myself, first and foremost. We're from Greensboro, North Carolina, and I guess we've been in this journey for a little over 2 years. So Ash is way better at saying the particulars of our journey so far.

Ashley Timmons (02:34)
So I am Ophie's mom. Hi, everyone. And we have 2 beautiful girls. Ophie is 3 years old and Georgia just turned nine. And like Shane said, our journey started back in August of 2023. And Ophie, she started over the summer of 2023, she started having symptoms of balance issues. That was really our biggest key factor that kind of clued us in to something not being just right. 

And so we took her to the doctor a couple of times and we… they evaluated her and they told us that they felt like, yeah, checked the ears, watched her walk down the hall, felt like everything was OK. And then just things kind of progressed and her balance got even worse. And so we ended up going back to the doctor and, you know, saying, hey, we really need to get this looked at. And it's not a thing where we need like a referral. We need like to go to the ED, emergency department. And luckily, I'm a nurse practitioner. So I was able to kind of push that a little bit. And listen to my gut. So we went to our home hospital. It was September 1st.

Shane (03:42)
It was a Thursday before a football game.

Ashley (03:44)
So we went there, and we spent the night in the emergency department. They did a CT scan and found the tumor. And she had hydrocephalus, and so we ended up having to have an emergency surgery to relieve the pressure on her brain. And to… debulk the tumor and they had told us that they wouldn't be able to get all the tumor when we had our initial surgery. So that kind of led us to second opinions and we found an amazing neurosurgeon… excuse me… she had her second brain surgery on September 28th of 2023 and they were able to remove the remainder of the tumor

Shane (04:20)
It's a shock to anybody that's going through that situation but you're reeling you're spinning and you really don't know what you don't know, so you don't know how to advocate for yourself. You don't know what group to be in. You don't like cancer. You know that. And you really feel really alone. So that's kind of why we're here. We want to use that work that Ophie’s doing for good. And use that story and our experience to help.

Ashley (04:55)
And her, so we finished up her second surgery and then we, she completed 30 rounds of radiation. And we, and from the surgery, probably the biggest part is she ended up with a tracheostomy and a feeding tube because of her difficulty swallowing. And so we worked through medically complex child and radiation treatment. And we went, we were able to return home in January of 2024. We were home for about three or four good months. She made lots of progress and unfortunately she developed radiation necrosis just from the radiation treatments and so she took a huge physical decline and we had to go through Avastin treatments intravenously for several weeks and she's… it was a good year of not many changes.

Shane (05:51)
2024, not good. 2025, much better. I would say we're past where we were when we first came home. We've kind of defeated that necrosis. And that's a thing that you're not sure if some of that stuff's permanent. So you're relearning, rewiring, and you're hopeful, but it takes a tremendous amount of patience and work from you as a caregiver, from the child who's going through it from everybody around it to understand, you know, it's, this is a, this is an extra thing. It's not just recovering from a surgery. It's not just recovering from radiation. It's recovering from a whole new thing.

Erica (06:31)
Yeah.

Shane (06:32)
So it's, it's just been a little bit of a pressure cooker and it's taken everything you got.

Erica (06:39)
And dealing with complex lasting challenges too, which I think is something that a lot of caregivers don't expect. And there will be caregivers listening who feel like they're in that situation right now. You know, we hear a lot of times people describe their lives upon diagnosis and even in the early days of treatment as feeling almost suspended. Like everything in your life just has to get put on immediate hold. And people will say sometimes I feel like I'm just walking through this thick, dark fog. And can you describe what that felt like for you in those moments when you were learning about Ophie and how you navigated some of those earliest days?

Ashley (07:23)
I feel like we just, I mean, you just have, it's just like an out-of-body experience, to be honest with you. I mean, you just don't, sometimes you don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. You know, you're faced with some really serious decisions that you have to make immediately. You don't know anything about any of this stuff and you have to research. 

Shane (07:44)
It's like taking a test you didn't study for at all. That's basically what it feels like.

Erica (07:48)
Yeah, that's a good analogy for it.

Shane (07:50)
Yeah. And I just, you're like on a loop. Probably the first week you're on a loop. And so like I had this little like cross that somebody had given me and I think I rubbed it like, you know, all the way through. But that loop. It'll start getting further and further apart. You know, like every day that you're you walk in a direction, it gets a little better and a little better and a little better until you're like functional. And then your wits come back to you. And then, you know, you're really leaning on everybody around you at that point. Like we had some friends that had medical backgrounds, specifically Ashley's best friend. She was a nurse in critical care for kiddos. And she was hugely leaned on during that time. But thank goodness we had her and others like her.

Ashley (08:41)
Just people to kind of steer you in the right direction. And, but yeah, you just, you feel like your life has been turned upside down. But, you know, I think you have kids that, that depend on you. You got, you know, a medically complex kid now, and then you've got your, your, your other child who wants to do normal things and you have to try to find a balance. 

Shane (09:05) 
You’ve got bills and jobs. 

Ashley (09:06) 
Yeah, you got bills and jobs and homes and, you know, all the things to take care of. But, yeah, it really does feel like a fog. Like I look back at those days and it feels like a fog for sure. I mean, it feels like just for a little while it felt like a very dark cloud.

Shane (09:24)
I coached 2 football games.

Ashley (09:26) 
You did.

Shane (09:26)
I was a head coach.

Ashley (09:28)
Yeah.

Shane (09:28)
2 football games.

Erica (09:30) 
Through that cloud. We won't ask if the team won or lost.

Shane (09:34)
We were winning. And it was a great season. They won 10 games that year. And my friend stepped in as interim head coach. But having that taken care of and having that support structure.

Ashley (09:49)
Yeah. And during that time, we thought to each other, what do folks do that don't have support? We were very blessed to have great.

Ashley & Shane (09:59) 
Families and friends and church and just church and a county community, a county, the whole every team in the conference. It was… it was pretty public.

Erica (10:11)
And we've talked a lot about that, actually, on the podcast, how to seek support and why it's important to seek support. So I appreciate you emphasizing that because I don't think it's something that people can hear enough.

Ashley (10:23)
I agree.

Erica (10:24)
I think, too, you know, you're describing just all of the different emotions. So after that fog starts to lift a little bit, then we begin to feel a lot of the things that maybe we didn't feel in that fog, like worry or complete and utter exhaustion and fear and sorrow and anger. Yes. Why is this happening? 

And so I think when a lot of people are in those moments that feel the heaviest and the darkest, I've heard families say, I can't imagine ever experiencing any hope again. I don't think I'll ever laugh again. I don't know that we'll have joy again. And that's one of the really hard things is to start to slowly begin to realize that those things can coexist. And that's one of the beautiful things that I watched your family do really well is to be intentional about really seeking out and trying to find those moments of joy, even on some of the most difficult days. So what activities, what routines helped you find little tiny glimpses of light on even the most difficult days or the darkest days?

Shane (11:37) 
The thing that we've said a million times, and I don't know where I heard it, and I'm sure I'm paraphrasing something, but it's you can't have joy without pain. Joy can't exist without pain. If everything was always joy, then you wouldn't appreciate it. You wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't be worth anything. So just understand, just taking a minute every day that you wake up to acknowledge you got another day. And what are we going to do with it? And be thankful for it. 

Ashley (12:07)
And I think you have to acknowledge that it's hard. You know, you have to.

Shane (12:10)
Oh, yeah. There are days I wake up and I forget that it's happened to us. And then, you know, it kind of like comes on you in a wave. And you're like, oh, yeah, this is life. And you just acknowledge that.

Ashley (12:21)
And give yourself some grace.

Shane (12:22) 
Give yourself a minute, you know, but you got to get up. 

Ashley (12:26)
I think the thing that helped us the most, too, is just realizing that the simplest, I mean, we just, it's the smallest things we are super thankful for. Because, I mean, there is a time when you don't know if you're going to have them, you know.

Shane (12:39) 
Everything is precious... It's the opposite. It's not what's been taken away from me. It's what I get. It's what do I dwell on? You know, I've got a choice. I can dwell on all the things I don't have or I can dwell on what I do. And are there days I don't dwell on these things? Yeah, there's days I'm mad. There's days I'm mad at God. There's days I'm mad and upset with what's happened to us. And I get tired of watching my kid go through it and I get frustrated. But then like the thing that keeps you going, that that process that you're talking about is just mindfulness.

Ashley (13:13) 
I think the other thing that was really important, too, is. I do think you have to seek it sometimes. Like, even if you don't feel it, you have to find it.

Erica (13:23) 
You know, and as I hear you talking, there's a really important piece that I think would be important for listeners that I observed in you all. And even as you're talking, I hear you saying it. And that is acknowledging the hard.

Ashley (13:35) 
You have to. Yeah.

Erica (13:36) 

You have never… so there's a difference. Sometimes when we talk about hope or we talk about joy, it feels like we're sugarcoating something. Right. We're saying, Oh, only focus on this. But what you've actually done is you're holding both. You've got the grief in one hand and you have the hope in the other hand. Or just like you said, the pain in one hand and the love in the other hand, right? Like we've got both of these things existing to be true at the same time. 

And so I wonder, I think that's a really important piece. And so I wonder, you know, we think of grief a lot of times as just accompanying a death. But really, we experience grief when anything in our lives change or we have losses. Yeah. So can you tell us about some of that? What's some of the grief you all have experienced since Ophie's diagnosis? And, you know, how do you hold space for acknowledging and adapting to so many things that are beyond your control?

Ashley (14:33) 

I think we experience grief every day just because of the things that she's missed out on. You know, and like we go to preschool and like, you know, there's kids that can run around in the room. Birthday parties. You know, they have water slides and she, you know, can't do those things without us. But then you're also thankful and happy that she is able to, that we're able to help her do those things. She smiles every day.

Erica (14:59) 

She's got a great smile.

Ashley (15:01)

She does. She's so happy. So I think just realizing that grief looks different for everybody and happiness looks different for everybody. And for us, it's just like the smallest… all we need is just the small joys in life.

Shane (15:20) 

Yeah. I mean, it makes you a very fuel-efficient model. It doesn't take much to make me happy. And just there's not a day that goes by that she doesn't do something or Georgia doesn't do something that makes me thankful. I mean, you got to think about, like, if everything was gone and removed and like all your money and all your house and everything was gone, you just hug your family. That's all you would do. So I have my family to hug.

Erica (15:51)

It's a different perspective.

Ashley (15:53) 

Yeah. And we say this all the time. We would never wish this on our worst enemy. But the perspective that it gives you, we wouldn't change.

Shane (16:02) 

Like if I could take it away, I would. But I'm not going to. I'm thankful for my mindset. Thankful for what it's done for our marriage.

Ashley (16:09)

Yeah.

Shane (16:10) 

I mean, for family and understanding who is… who is really there and watching… giving people an excuse to be good, too. So like that's the work that our kids in this situation are doing. You know, how many fundraisers, how many times does someone look at your kid and they go, maybe I should be a little more thankful for my kids? You know, maybe I should be a little bit better of a parent, or maybe I should just be a little bit nicer, you know, like that's the work kids like this are doing. And so our job is to facilitate that work and do things like this podcast and do things like fundraising and do things like advocacy to let everybody know they're working their little fannies off.

Erica (16:57) 

And it's important too, because I think with the changes, the physical changes that you've experienced with Ophie, what I've always been moved by is you also seeing her great purpose. And you just mentioned it, the way that she gives people an opportunity to be kind, to be better, and her smile and the joy that she brings to other people. 

And I think that's part… I don't know that that would be as possible had you not honestly acknowledged the hard alongside. And the perspective that you're talking about, it reminds me, there's a quote that I learned that I heard very, very early in my career, and they said it was by anonymous. So if it's not, and the person is out there, I'm sorry. I’d love to give you credit.

But it says, “I've been thrust out of this world, which we all think is so important, and find myself standing on the edge of eternity. There, the view is very much different.”

Ashley (18:01) 

Do you have that in your office somewhere?

Erica (18:03) 

I've probably said it to you. But I don't think I have it in my office. 

Ashley (18:04) 

I feel like we've said that quote together before.

Erica (18:08) 

Because I've seen that in you, that you're… when Ophie was diagnosed, in many ways, you found yourself standing on the edge of eternity where your view is completely different. And I think that can change us in many ways. And we can, humans can be changed by that in a way that's really difficult or devastating and people can also be changed in a way that brings light and love to other people. And I think in some ways that's what you all have done.

Ashley (18:39)

Yeah, I mean I think I think the biggest thing is, like you said, I think you just have to allow yourself to grieve. You have to allow yourself to feel the feelings, and then you have to figure out how to pick yourself back up.

Shane (18:55)

I think the inverse of that… I always compared it to having your heels on a cliff. And every once in a while, you just kind of look over your shoulder. And it's like forever. It's like a bottomless pit behind you. And then you turn around and you just face whatever you're facing that day. And you're good. I'm digging in. 

And every human on the planet is doing that. Every single one of us does that. We know we're closer to the edge than other people. Dude walking down the street slips through the sewer grate. You know, like he didn't know, he didn't know he was on the edge. But we do. And so, you have sort of an opportunity there to make the most of it. You shoot your best shot all the time.

Erica (19:38) 
Yeah.

Shane (19:39) 
You know? And we… our oldest, you know, talk about, you know, the other kids in the family. She is 9 going on 29. You know, she's so mature.

Erica & Shane (19:57) 
I mean, she could probably sub in for some PT and OT at this point. She could host this podcast, too. Yeah, she could do something.

Ashley (20:03) 

I do think that's the other thing that can get, not necessarily lost, but like the siblings. I mean, there's grief with siblings because there's grief with the fact that, you know, that Georgia's had to go through what she's had to go through and watch her sister go through what she's had to go through. 

But we tell her all the time that we don't know the purpose of this, but that it will… I mean, there's going to be tons of things in her life that she doesn't want to do or that she doesn't think she can face. And hopefully this just helps her, you know, build the strategies to be able to face those things and know that she can do it.

Shane (20:35)

I remember early on, our pastor said—his name's Matt—and he said, you know, you're going to have 2 really strong girls after this thing's done. And I held onto that pretty hard. And it's been true. You know, that it just… it molds you. It makes you better. Like all suffering does, you know, to get to that point. 

And you’ve got to have some good things happen too to be OK, because if it's all bad, you're like, OK, enough is enough. And so, when she was having the necrosis… I think it was May of 2024. You compartmentalize to a point where I don't have an answer for… I'm thinking about making her comfortable. We're no longer in rehab mode. We're in palliative mode. 

Erica (21:29) 

Comfort care.

Shane (21:30)
Yeah. Facing it with dignity kind of stuff. And your brain starts to short circuit. No matter how strong you are, it's going to start to snap. And I really feel for families that are in that situation. Some of our best friends here in this journey have felt that, and you just love them. And there's not much you can do just other than be there. Just be there. Be there and listen. And there's no quick fix or catchy phrase that's going to fix that. So, I felt that, too.

Erica Sirrine (22:01) 
Yeah.

Shane (22:01) 
And that helps. That's perspective that you'll never get any other way than feeling it. And so we came back from the brink.

Erica Sirrine (22:09)
Yeah.

Shane (22:10)
And so that was something I draw on. I know personally, I draw on that every day. Like we're not in May 2024 anymore.

Erica (22:20) 
And I've watched you celebrate gains. You use the word gains a lot. And some of those gains are big gains and some of those gains are small victories, but they're all worth celebrating. And I think that's something that your family has done really well is celebrate some of those. Like, I mean, I felt like I celebrated alongside you today when I saw Ophie on her walker come up to me and give me a hug with a big smile. I did not expect to see that. That was a huge, huge moment of progress.

Ashley (22:48)
That would be a big gain for sure.

Erica (22:49)
And her speaking. She's speaking now to me. Yes. Yeah. And you sent me a video of her meeting Mickey Mouse. And our whole podcast team watched that. And it was just incredible. And so why are those celebrations meaningful to you?

Shane (23:06)
That's the best stuff in life. I mean, like… That's the good stuff. Like, that's the stuff we… take cancer out of the equation. You're fist-pumping your kid's first step. When they honk Mickey's nose, if they ever get to do that, you're like, you're so excited. And it just makes it taste that much better. Just imagine you haven't had a piece of cake in 5 years. And then you get a piece of cake. Like, how good is that cake going to be? It just intensifies it.

Ashley (23:36) 
And even the small things like I just. You know, she has the trach, so she hasn't been able to speak a lot. And, like, she learned how to blow bubbles the other week. And it was just, like, the best. It was almost as good as her meeting Mickey. 

Shane (23:47)
I spent like a whole afternoon blowing bubbles. Yeah. And I wish she would have been as good as she is now when she met Mickey because she would have, like, tackled Mickey. So it would have been even better.

Erica (23:58)
You mentioned, too, just the support that you had from people that you met here, from your community back home. Are there any other practices or sources of strength or support for you that you've benefited from along the way?

Ashley (24:15)
I think we've gotten involved in some organizations and some foundations that specifically work with patients with brain tumors and families of patients with brain tumors. And that has been really helpful because I feel like in this situation, you can feel powerless sometimes. 

I feel like that's allowed us to… that's a way that we can do something about it. Because, you know, we can't change what is going on with Ophie. We can't change whether she has clear scans or not. But we can help other families. We can advocate for her needs and other kids' needs and network with other families who are going through the same thing and try to help them along the journey as much as we can.

Shane (25:01) 
Ash is super good at that. She just gets on Facebook or groups, the trach groups specifically. And like, she's like the trach whisperer now. She’s always doing all that stuff. 

We ran into a couple of our families in the lobby, and everybody was so excited to see each other. It was like, oh, all the trach kids are in the same lobby and we're all like meeting each other and hanging out and helping each other with stuff. So, I mean, that's something that Ashley is very, very strong at.

Ashley (25:34)

I think that's definitely been a comfort for us is, you know, when you find yourself in this situation, especially for the brain tumor world, there needs to be a network that connects you immediately with people. And so, you kind of just have to find that. Yeah. You just have to find that. 

And so, we've kind of found that and just do our best to help other families who are starting the journey or in the middle of the journey. Not that we're experts by any means, but just for comfort to, like, know that there's other people going through the same hard stuff.

Shane (26:09) 
You're always going to be building the plane while you're flying it. That's basically what your journey is going to be. But for me specifically, once I felt like Ophie was in a goodish place, I immediately turned my attention to getting involved and raising some money and getting in the fight. Like, get in there. It'll make you feel better. 

And, you know, we did several fundraisers, raised like $5,000 at a basketball game. And that was my old school and my friends that I'd had for 2 decades coming together, and a great community had a fundraising night. So, I mean, that kind of stuff will come with it naturally. 

And some people don't. Some people will find that I want to get out of this space because it wasn't good for me. And I think that's OK, too. If you want to live in a cabin in the woods, I totally get it. Like, you go homestead and just… You know, get away from all of it. You're not going to get any kind of ridicule from me, but just for me personally, and I speak for Ashley too, we just felt a lot of comfort in punching back.

Erica (27:24)
Yeah. And that's such a good point that everybody copes with things in different ways. They do. So for some people, that's a really helpful thing for them to do, to engage with others. And for others, they do, they kind of pull back. And that's OK. Yeah.

Shane (27:37) 
It’s more pain, and that's hard.

Erica (27:38) 
What advice, if you were talking to someone in your situation that you were in on September 28th, right around the time that we met 2 years ago, what advice would you offer them for how to best seek that light or that hope on some of the most dark days?

Ashley (28:03) 
I think the thing that helped us the most, the times when I try to think like months from now or years from now about planning and different things—it overwhelms me. So, I think for me, the biggest thing is just 1 day at a time, sometimes 1 minute at a time, you know. 

I think just take it in smaller steps versus trying to think too far into the future. That just helped me from getting overwhelmed and just thinking about, I just have to make it through the next few minutes and then I'll figure out the next few minutes.

Erica (28:39)
Yeah. I think you said something when we were preparing for this episode. One of you said something about be where your feet are. Yeah. That we want to sometimes try to be so far ahead of ourselves.

And that can be stressful. That can be really hard. And so we have to be in that moment, in that second. That's great advice.

Ashley (28:59)
I think that's the other thing that we've learned too is, you know, about being where your feet are. You want things, and you want to make plans and all the things, but really the thing that matters the most is right now.

Erica (29:14)
When we talk about this idea of holding the grief and the change and the loss and the sorrow and the anger and the frustration and the pain and all of those emotions at the same time that we're holding the hope and the joy and the love, a lot of people call that idea kind of integrating loss into our ongoing lives. That we kind of take what's happening and we continue to move in a forward direction.

And so, some people use the term reconciliation to describe this because of the way it's defined. And I like it because of the definition. So it's defined as the process, not an event, the process of finding a way to make 2 different ideas exist to be true at the same time. That's having that sorrow and a little bit of joy in that day. 

And sometimes these happen. Not even in the same month, but sometimes they can happen in the same hour in a hospital room. We see these things happen every day. And if you think back, sometimes we can all kind of relate to the analogy of living in a pandemic now because we all have.

And if you remember in the early days, in the very beginning, and I hear this sometimes at the hospital still, people will say, well, when this is over, then I'm going to _______. Right. That's kind of where we try to fit our grief and our pain really neatly into this little box and say, I'm going to put this in this tidy box and set it aside. 

But really, it's not about when this is over. It's about saying, and we all realized this in the midst of the pandemic or we wouldn't be here together today, that at a certain point, actually, I have to figure out how to carry this pain and this difficulty into the continuing days. And to seek those moments, allowing those tiny moments of joy or love or hope to seep in. And that's what you've done.

Shane (31:02) 
It's funny you say that because the running joke was mental health? I'll deal with me later.

Erica (31:11) 
You might have even said that to me.

Shane (31:12)
What are you talking about? I got A, B, C, D and E and F and all the other letters to deal with before I can deal with how I feel. You know, but you’ve got to. Yeah. It's going to hurt and it's not going to be convenient for you. But you did put it in this little box. 

So it's like fire, right? Fire can warm you. You can cook with it, but it can also burn you up. So you don't want to get too close to it all at once because it is volatile. So you just let little things out. 

And for me, it was like I remember that first year of pregame speeches, man. I was using those poor kids as like a vent sesh and like a justification session; and I was working it out. And I think they got some good things out of it. But it was probably… if you want to talk about heat and intensity it was probably a lot for a 16, 17 year old brain. They're just like having a deal with, you know, I'm like, you think this is a game, you know?

Erica (32:18) 
Yeah, we do.

Shane (32:20)
It's not a game. But… Yeah, those poor kids. But yeah, you just use it. It's fuel. So, for example, you come in, you're dog tired, and you got a choice. You can read to them, or you can watch your show, or watch your game, or whatever it is. And all it does, if you're using it in the right way, that trauma, it just helps you make good decisions. Because you just have that appreciation. That's what it can do for you. It can just make you really, really strong and a lot better. 

Or it can burn you up. If you focus on it too much and it's too open, it consumes you. So, you have to be very careful with it. I would say, in my personal humble opinion, be careful with opening that box too wide.

Erica (33:11) 
But don't be afraid to open it.

Shane (33:12) 
Don't be afraid to crack it. Just crack it a little bit every once in a while.

Erica (33:15) 
And have people who can support you along the way to open it with you.

Ashley (33:19) 
I think in the beginning you're in that fight or flight mode. So you don't… I mean, you really can't deal with it at first. You know, you just have to do what you have to do.

Shane (33:28) 
You got business to take care of.

Ashley (33:29) 
Yeah. And then as time goes on, you can start working through some things. And I mean, we both have our little thing. I mean, I like to clean and fold laundry and keep things organized. And you like to go hunt and do stuff outside.

Shane (33:44) 
Ashley brought up a good thing, though. Like if you have… so there's certain people that go through this with you that grace cup turns into a bathtub. Like there's, she could say awful things to me. And because of what we've gone through together, like, I'm not, I'm not going to yell at you. I'm going to yell at so many other people before I'm yelling at you. 

My in-laws are the same way. Like they've, they were there the whole time. And it's the most real relationships that you can have. Like it's. Your battle buddies, it's that foxhole mentality. So when your spouse becomes a foxhole mentality with each other, like that's a special thing. And like, there's really nothing that can get you anymore. You're indestructible. You know, at that point. And then if she's having a bad day, my job is to have a good day. If I'm having a moment, she's going to pick up my slack. And we just yin and yang.

Ashley (34:48) 
Luckily, that's how it's always worked out. Like if I'm struggling, you pick up my slack.

Shane (34:53) 
I mean, you have no problem telling me to leave the house. Like you need to get out of here. Go sit in your deer stand for a little bit. You know, I get put in timeout. I don't ever put her in timeout ever.

Ashley (35:04)
I feel like luckily, when I'm having a good day, sometimes you're having a bad day or vice versa. We just help pick each other up.

Shane (35:11) 
But most times we're just both having good days.

Ashley (35:13) 

That's true.

Erica (35:14)
I am so grateful for you both being here today with us. I have always appreciated you both and especially today, just your honesty and your intention and your vulnerability and courage to share your story so that it can benefit others who are listening. 

And I also thank everybody who's listening. I hope that in some small way what Shane and Ashley have shared today that some of their reflections have uplifted your spirit. And ultimately, I hope that what they've shared today reminds everybody listening that you are absolutely never alone on the caregiving journey. Thank you for being with us today.

Ashley (35:57)
Thank you, Erica. We appreciate you guys. Thanks.

Narrator (36:01) 

Thank you for listening to Caregivers SHARE, a podcast lovingly brought to you by Patient Family-Centered Care and Psychosocial Services at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Please subscribe, leave a comment, and share this podcast with others who may benefit from this support. Visit stjude.org/caregivers-share for show notes and educational links related to each episode.

This podcast is for informational purposes only and does not render medical advice or professional services. This podcast does not establish a patient relationship between the listener and St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. The opinions expressed belong to the caregivers. Your personal experience may differ. If you have questions about individual health concerns, psychosocial needs, or specific treatment options, please discuss them with your child's medical team.  

St. Jude does not endorse any branded product or organization mentioned in this podcast.

Accuracy and availability of Caregivers SHARE: A St. Jude Podcast transcripts may vary. Transcript text may be revised to correct errors or match updates to audio. Audio on stjude.org may be edited after its original publication. The authoritative record of Caregivers SHARE: A St. Jude Podcast episode content is the audio record. 

Season 3 Episodes